So much anger. I’m attempting to focus it productively, but every now and
then it’s falling between my better judgement and GNOME, and I start
thinking fuck-it-all thoughts. While GNOME feels like an enormous pressure
at the moment, it is not the source of most of my anger.
The company I work for has gone into receivership, which means I might not
have a job when the business is bought. So even though I’m not hugely
concerned, I think it could be a niggling little stress-source boiling away
behind my general calm. The frustration that lies on the surface, and much
of the source of my anger, is that the receivership has been such a catalyst
for positive change. After fighting for months, things have suddenly turned
on a dime and the priorities – dead simple and brutally straightforward
business priorities – are finally straightened out. It’s like dambusters: You fight
your way through flak, exploding engines, storms, fuel leaks and fighters,
and when you’re finally at your destination… You have to tear up the
concrete and bring the fucker down. So now all the obstructions are out of
the way, I can actually do my job – and oh, how much there is to do! Lots of crap to clear away and cool stuff to build and fix up. But there is a futile frustration boiling inside me, borne of irony, and with no
sensible outlet.
There have also been some self-inflicted bumbling idiocies over the last
couple of weeks, such as blackholing outgoing mail from my laptop for about
a week. Which cunningly cranked up the pressure right when I didn’t need it.
If I don’t think I can see the big picture – if I’m without oversight -
things start to feel recklessly out of control. I think that’s the other
source of stress here, and why I’m finding frustration and anger in GNOME
right now.
The feedback loop pressure always stops you from doing the best possible
thing – giving it a rest for a bit to go for a walk, read a book, have a
sleep… chill out. Even that feedback loop is making me cranky! It’s a
cranky feedback loop! FASCIST! GAR!
Sleep time.
