26 May 2001

so long

It’s been so long since my last entry. I’m pretty shocking at “diarising”, although I very much enjoy reading the diaries of my Free Software inspirations (idols? Perhaps that’s going a bit far), many of whom have diaries here. Advogato obviously needs a Doogie Howser colour mode for diary entries.

Sometimes it’s easier just to clam up and/or be wacky than actually deal with stuff. A friend of mine took his own life late last week, and it has – for the most part – been a dank and bleak world since. I was somewhat detached from the events leading up to it all, as I still live in Sydney, and the rest of the gang are in Melbourne. That gave me some relative emotional space to come to terms with things before being thrown headlong into funerals and such.

I’m past the (hopelessly useless, though fully warranted) anger and the guilt now. Not past the empty feeling yet, although that has been with me far longer than Jamie’s death. We are all very angry because we have been dealing with Clara’s death for some years now (she was without doubt the centre of the group), and Jamie has given us so much more to deal with, and taken his support away. We’ve all been lost little mice, and whatever progress we’d made has now been tossed to the wind.

wonderment

Wonderful things have happened during this time, though. The rift in our little group has been ended, which is at once inscrutible and predictable. There is a lot of love, and this feels very good.

I had already arranged a couple of things on the Thursday and Friday afterward, and for once I managed to force myself into doing them. I’m very glad. The first was dinner with Simone, who would have to be the only person I have felt a great amount of warmth for since Clara passed away. Unfortunately, for a bunch of silly and serious reasons, we parted just as I was falling in love, and finally sufficiently unguarded enough to do something about it. Luckily, we still see each other, and I had a very happy and comfortable night. I’m quite sure that Simone did too; she’s much happier these days, which is wonderful to see.

On the Friday night, I had promised to go to the Spanky House to cook pizza for the inhabitants. This I did, with the help of SH member Liedra, who helped with the shopping and cooking. I was going to do it all myself, but more people were invited, so we teamed up. Fun night, and we ended up hacking up a Markov IRC bot. jackie, the bot, has offered much in the way of entertainment and hijinks since.

Impromptu lunch with Catie (Liedra), who was very willing to show off her Agenda PDA, as I’d been talking about buying one that morning. They rock very hard. Catie is one of those magnificently warm and cheery people who can’t help but make you smile. Found out that Chatswood finally has a decent gelato/sorbet shop… Mmmm! Bumped into ex-girlfriend Silke on the way back, who happens to live around the corner from our current offices. She seemed well; ’twas nice to see her again. I don’t think she’s entirely over being cranky at my having gone out with Simone (who Silke doesn’t like in the least). She would never admit this, of course.

Very good SLUG meeting this month; Catie did her Agenda talk (which had everyone oooh-ing and aaah-ing at all the right moments), and I think my completely unprepared Free Software Email Dream Team talk went down okay. There’ll be a report up on the SLUG site on Monday afternoon.

conclusion

I think that all of these cheery things to do and great people have saved me from another terrible rollercoaster ride. I didn’t even talk about my amazing employers, who seem to have unnatural patience and empathy. Next time; I’ll write something about our Great Office Move.